look at your schedules, now back at this e-mail, now back at your schedules, now back to this e-mail. Sadly, the upcoming meeting isn't on your schedule. But if you stopped using your free-time for fun-seeking at 1:00pm on Sundays and switched over to expanded ward council meetings, your schedules could include this e-mail's meeting. Look at your inbox, now back to this e-mail: your on the interweb. Look at your friend's list, now back to this e-mail; what is it? A link to the video this e-mail is parodying. Look again, the link is now crazy piano playing. Anything is possible when you fulfill your Church responsibilities and sacrifice your time for the greater good. I'm on a mountain.
July 23rd, 2010
We are on a hypothetical star ship that is orbiting a black-hole somewhere deep in space. There's been a miscalculation and we begin to descend inwards, pulled by the massive gravity of the object and unable to escape. One of the first things we notice is that the black hole is not black at all, but instead emitting a high amount of radiation, called Hawking Radiation that results from a balance of entropy necessity and the quantum physics loophole of virtual particle creation. We'll be more likely to notice the increase in temperature and high concentration of potentially lethal gamma rays.
Luckily we don't have enough time to be killed by radiation, we're too busy descending into a black-hole! As we approach the event horizon, the point at which light itself can no longer escape, we'll find that the rest of the universe is curiously slowing down. Seconds pass normally for us, but the TV broadcast we are somehow still receiving seems to playing more like a Benny Hill tribute than an episode of The WestWing. In fact as we approach our final destination (ha!) the effect increases until centuries spin by every second, whole worlds are created and destroyed in the blink of an eye. That massive gravitational well we're trapped in has also trapped time with us, and bent it to the point of infinite duration: we will witness the destruction of the universe if our black-hole makes it that far. Finally, infinitely far into the future (literally) we collide with the event horizon and find there all the light that has ever struck this entity. In other words the entire history of the universe is recorded on the surface of the event horizon, frozen in time and in that instance we will see the entire future and past in just one moment: having all creation from beginning to end layed out before us in one last spark of understanding before the gravitational differential pulls us apart at a molecular level.
In this scenario there will really be no need for a ward council both because we'll all already know everything that has and will happen and because we'll be dead. However, out top hypothetical scientists have not found a ship that will do that for us, or even a black-hole to do it to so we should probably still show up for ward council this Sunday at 1:00pm
July 13th, 2010
This coming Sunday I predict that you will spend approximately 40 minutes of your waking day (with your eyes wide open) completely blind and wont know it. In fact, due to saccadic masking that's a good guess for any given day assuming eight hours of sleep to sixteen hours of wake fullness. Your brain will intentionally blind you for a large portion of that waking time, over 4% in fact: more time than the average American spends in the bathroom and about one third to one fourth of the time that is typically spent with the family (for a married couple with children). Unfortunately we can't choose the time in which we're blind (in which case an overlap between bathroom time and blind time might be considered prudent), it comes in millisecond bursts through-out the day. This phenomena goes hand-in-hand with so called 'change blindness', another results of saccadic shifts. Quick, was that fly on your monitor always black, or was it navy blue before? No matter how good your memory is there's really no way to be sure, as you brain probably didn't notice, and even if it did: it just replaced the old memory with the new one (note: the so called 'photgraphic memory' representing someone who literally memorizes every image or other input they've received is a myth so that's not going to work here either). This isn't a good thing for our credibility considering this method of tom-foolery your brain's pulling on you is entirely separate from memory suggestion in which our brain just makes up swaths of memories out of whole cloth. Luckily we do have some things that remain constant, that can be counted on to stay the same from moment to moment. One of those things is expanded ward council on the first and third Sundays of the month at 1:00pm. Like this Sunday: enjoy!
July 9th, 2010
One hour out of every week represents approximately one half of one percent. If your week were summarized in a two and a half hour long movie (which is more time than it took Lewis Milestone to summarize all of World War One) one hour would be shown in under one minute: about as much time as it takes to explain to the audience that the film was written by five different people through the clever use of opening credits. This being said, one hour represents only a snap-shot of human life: significant changes can only be foreshadowed and anticipated in that time. It is a lower limit to the delta-t against which life is measured: a kind of Planck's constant of human interaction. Meaningful interaction occurs on a broader scale and thus any one hour meeting capable of reaching meaningful conclusions or taking actions is thus able to fully realize those solutions without the complication of major changes in the original parameters. The only question remaining is one of preparation: are we capable when we arrive of accurately summarizing the relevant data and using it to reach appropriate conclusions? If not our delta-t expands and we are forced into non-linear realms with a constantly changing dynamic that now makes the task exponentially harder. With this in mind, let us prepare for and then, the great key, show-up to our ward council meeting this Sunday at 1:00pm Central Savings Time.
July 2nd, 2010
Hurry, there's no time to waste! With summer half-way over and fall just around the corner we must act fast!!! Who knows what will face us tomorrow? We must band together now: think of the children!
At one o'clock on Sunday ideally.
May 28th, 2010
Long absent the heart of heart
think not sorrow that we pass,
drift off that maudlin chart
and leave the world to harass
For we find this is our part
and find words of parting crass
for us to be introuvable an art
and in absence: love amass
To put it plainly: no meeting prior to Church this Sunday, as it is the fifth Sunday, and no meeting next Sunday (first of June) since that will be Stake Conference.
May 21st, 2010
It's been replaced in its most common application by varying types of harmonic oscillators: everything from the everyday quartz crystal to the top-of-the-line cyclic energy changes in a caesium gas. It is a method for turning energy (often stored as potential energy in a battery or mechanical device like a spring) into finally tuned mechanical motion. The use of a series of intricate gears is invariable applied and the results have been dramatic. It has brought us the ability to navigate the seas, record and play music, and it even served as the basis for the earliest versions of computers as created by Babbage. A compound word, the first part derived from the Celtic for 'bell', can you guess what it is?
That's right, clockwork! Just like this meeting of the Ward Council: every 2nd and 4th Sunday, and that's this Sunday at 1:00pm. See you there.
May 13th, 2010
Angels moving in the firmament about us, a part of the fabric of reality. Do we see the gold leaf that adorns the underside of our own reality? Creatures of another realm with whom our vision melds; do we see truth together or is our hemi-ocularity bind us only into confusion? Can we be joined to comprehension or will the world always be missing in depth: seeing only from one point of view? Melded together somewheree in the drapework, ordinary trumps the remarkable and the images fold together as one. Prayer is for the divine but calls from the debased: open now our hearts to seek within the doldrums of existence and we shall find that eternal spark and be at one with all.
Or at one with all of you, this Sunday at one. Expanded Ward Council, see you there.
April 30th, 2010
I hope you're planning on joining us this Sunday at 1:00pm to discuss the affairs of the ward. If you're having trouble fitting it into day though I do have a suggestion. If you want to present some information but wish to do so early so as to ensure sufficient time to get things done before Church, no problem! Just travel to Jupiter, and begin about 35 minutes before you want us to see you, and then, assuming we're looking at you through a telescope of amazing focus, we'll be able to see you right on time. Or perhaps that's insufficient, you want to drive to San Antonio and back in between. Why that's as easy as traveling to Neptune and speaking just over four hours early. We wont even be able to tell the difference! Or if you're late, instead of coming in, why not just go to Mars and watch us from there! That'll buy you an extra 12 minutes, so no need to worry when traffic slows you down.
Of course the windows in our Bishop's office are pretty opaque so this may be a little difficult... but there are always options.
April 23rd, 2010
We will be meeting this Sunday to council as a ward. The schedule for the day is based on the Mayan calender so that we can all adequately prepare for the upcoming collapse of civilization as we know it. So on 126.96.36.199.9.541666666511446, Haab: 2.5416666665114462 Uo, Tzolkin: 8.541666666511446 I expect to see all of you. Come prepared with notes, input, a positive attitude, and your best impersonation of K'inich Tatb'u Skull I, preferably in Farsi.
Or for those ethnocentric among you: 1:00pm this Sunday: Ward Council.
April 9th, 2010
It has been a turbulent last few weeks: ward conference, general conference, and the death of Eddie Carroll. Yet in the midst of the storm we may gain strength this coming Sunday by inviting in the Spirit, opening our hearts and minds to the needs of those whom we serve, and reaching important decisions as to how best to rescue those around us. We'll also go to expanded ward council: see you there at 1:00pm!
February 27th, 2010
Sorry for the late notice everyone, but like always we will be meeting
tomorrow at 1:00pm to discuss the finer points of life. Please bring:
pencil, paper, and a copy of Thomas Pynchon's "The Crying of Lot 49"
as read by Glenn Gould.
February 19th, 2010
A meeting of Expanded Ward Council and possible, tautology club!
A few fun facts about tautology club:
If everyone is at the meeting, then everyone will be at the meeting
The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club
There are no notional constructs that violate tautology club and which satisfy all physical laws of existence
Hope to see you all there!
February 12th, 2010
Once more with joy O my home I may meet
Once more ye fair, flowr'y meadows I greet
My Pilgrim's staff henceforth may rest
Since Heaven's sweet peace is within my breast.
The sinner's 'plaint on high was heard
On high was heard and answered by the Lord
The tears I laid before His throne
Are turned to hope and joy divine.
O Lord eternal praise be Thine!
The blessed source of Thy mercy overflowing
On souls repetant seek Ye, all-knowing
Of hell and death, I have no fear
For thou my Lord are ever near
Alleluia! For evermore
February 5th, 2010
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
1:00pm Sunday, as per usual.
January 21st, 2010
I know what you're thinking friend, you're thinking did they have six
meetings or only five? To tell you the truth I kind a' lost track
myself in all this off-time, but being this is an expanded ward
council meeting, the most powerful meeting in the ward and could build
a Saint's testimony right up you gotta ask yourself a question: "will
I be there Sunday?" Well will ya, friend?
As a note, next Sunday will be the 5th Sunday of the month and there
will be no ward council expanded or otherwise; the Sunday following
that we will be back on our regular schedule of expanded ward council
1st and 3rd Sundays.
January 1st, 2010
Despite our best intentions, a year has passed us by and left us with
no recourse but to endure another month of Janus. Yet in the bitter
winter, dark and brooding though she is, shall we not find solace
amongst our fellows entrenched likewise against the perils of the
night? Bring us in no candles of the dirge but play the music of the
light, that all may take their fill of merriment that the fire in the
hearth shines brighter for the fire in our eyes. A siesta though we
take, the solstice means no break, for friendship is no funeral song.
Though of meetings shall we not partake, our spirits are renewed by
dip in charity's sweet lake.
December 19th, 2009
On December 20th, 1989 United States forces succeeded in capturing and
removing General Noriega from his role as dictator of Panama. Some 16
years earlier the Prime Minister of Spain, Luis Carrero Blanco, was
killed on his way to a trial against a collection of Franco resistance
fighters. One of the most violent attacks on a nation's leader in the
20th century. 18 years before that, Yugoslavia won admittance into
the United Nations.
A most auspicious day for meeting, yes?
December 4th, 2009
"To reach Tel-el-Amarna, drive eight miles south of Mallawi to the point where you cross the Nile. On the east side of the Nile the distance is less than a mile and can be covered on foot or on donkey.
Behind the present village, at the ancient site of Tel-el-Amarna, the ruins known as the palace of Nefertiti are among the very few remnants of the Akhnaten period. Tablets in cuneiform writing, which contain correspondence between Egypt and Syria, were found here and are now the the Cairo Museum. (To see any sights on the Eastern bank of the river you must cross by ferry which carries cars along with the usual donkey carts and local traffic. The ferry docking station is located at the southern end of the town. You should arrive there at least one-half hour before the 6:00 AM crossing. The ferry does a brisk business and you will need every available second for sight seeing.)
There is nothing left of this glorious city of temples and palaces. The mud brick buildings have long since crumbled and little remains of the immense stone temples but the outlines of their floor plans."
The remnants of henothesim, Egypt's first break with the polytheistic worship. His attempt to bring light to his people slowly faded as generation grew old and passed on. The antiquities of barbarism returned, and his name was lost to history for many millenia. Yet now his deeds are dug up and his courage celebrated. What is a person's legacy? What will reach into the eternities, or is any creation doomed to fail of permanence? How shall we be known, and what is it we will do this Sunday to ensure the world has changed to reflect our deepest desires, and to assuage our darkest fears?
November 27th, 2009
Though many, of this city freed
Gone oft beyond the gaze of Texas hills
Yet our meetings must precede
In dusty rooms where silence now distills
We find our gatherings still fulfills
All who will be here, welcome in at one!
November 21st, 2009
The following things will happen in the fifteen minutes between our normal meeting time this Sunday and our actual meeting time:
4 billion tons of matter in the sun will be converted into energy
A particle of light (in our equivalent gravitational field, and a vacuum of course) will travel 170 million miles
4 thousand people will be born
The Earth will revolve 3 degrees and 45 seconds about its axis
6 million cans of soda will be drunk here in the States
3 million stars will be both born and die (different stars that is)
90 books will be published around the world
You will arrive excited about the prospect of participating in ward council!
November 6th, 2009
A Haiku for you
The Bishop's office
For Mount Bonnell Ward Council
To begin at one
October 30th, 2009
Dreams about Llandudno flood the nights, sweeping out the darkness and the light whose act they follow. Roiled over in controversy, did Carroll write the book there, or did he even visit? The real Alice was there and perhaps that's enough. Conversations with that little white rabbit are becoming more frequent but harder to follow. Serious and crucial talks, but where is that bunny off to, and should we jump in the hole after him? There's no question he's right about the time, however; this is a jump into the future and so we dislodge ourselves from the mirery past and dive head first after the creature: watching as Wales rolls by over our heads. Where are we now, and when? Ah hah! It is the Bishop's office and the time is 1:00pm, November the first, just in time for our meeting: how convienent.
October 24th, 2009
NIST has long been the world's leader in time keeping. Since the year 2000 a new mechanism has been employed to ensure accuracy to within one tenth of one nano second per day. The vibration of Caesium at 9,192,631,770 cycles per second measured now not in our chaotic room temperature environments but near absolute zero in a microwave emitting chamber, cooled by 6 infra-red lasers and pulsing through the mechanism at about one full revolution a second. The inevitability is striking, is it not? As we spend a second in ambivalence or in action the tiny number of atoms revolving around a chamber in NIST's labs have oscillated almost ten billion times. Sleep, adrenaline, emotional highs and lows that dramatically alter our perception of true time will have no impact on the certain march through time these atoms trod, forcing the world with them into the future. For us that future arrives 5,559,703,694,496,000 Cesium cycles ahead of our last meeting, or at one hour past the meridian on this coming Sunday. Let the tides of time wash us all to shore that we find commonality in our journey, if only this once in five and a half quadrillion vibrations.
October 17th, 2009
This e-mail serves as a reminder to all invited guests that we will be having expanded ward council at one o'clock in the p.m. on the marrow. We hope to see everyone there, or we will be forced to go to the highways and by-ways and bring out the poor and the meek to attend.
October 8th, 2009
Who has put thee in their heart, o' Ahman? For he has surpassed all that was done previously, having gathered every august, costly stone without limit to any good thing. Health has built her box of cedar upon the terraces and made the river shine! Encompassed a nation and plucked glistening tears from the faithful sufferers. Who has put thee in their heart, o' Ahman? Brought low the gods that knew thee not, o' Ahman. Made war with the victors and come of victorious. Beaten low the lofty places, and brought up the valleys to greet thee. Who has put thee in their heart, o' Ahman?
Which is to say, expanded ward council will be meeting this Sunday and next to make up for our missed chances of the past. And so I ask, who has put thee in their heart, o' Ahman?
September 26th, 2009
And so it begins, the start of another round of inspiration and council to be held at home quarters on the 'morrow. When the clock chimes once we shall assemble from across the boundaries of our understanding, together to create a masterpiece of function which transcends the material and breaks into the personal. That's right, one o'clock tomorrow shall be the inception of another ward council, welcome to all!